Remember when your biggest worry was waking up early enough or getting home in time for your favorite show? Cartoons, man. Saturday mornings and weekday afternoons were built for parking in front of the TV with a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and tons of animation lined up. And your favorite characters were always pulling out of the garage in sweet rides. Which drawn together vehicle had the best specs? Take a look.
The Homer, Simpsons (1991, season 2, ep. 15 “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?”)
I think that maybe Uncle Herb pulled the plug a little too early on the Homer. It didn’t run on kerosene, there was no ‘H’ gear, and it surely could have beaten 300 hectares on a single tank- what’s not to love? Some genius is just too ahead of its time.
Canyonero, Simpsons (1998, season 9, ep. 15 “The Last Temptation of Krust”)
Unsafe for highway or city driving, the Canyonero and its 65 tons of American Pride is nonetheless the type of SUV that that you gets you respect. Plus, it’s endorsed by Krusty, who, as we all know doesn’t back something just for the money.
Gadgetmobile, Inspector Gadget (1983- ’86)
Possibly based on the DeLorean (or was it vice versa?), the Gadgetmobile could do just about anything but travel back in time. This car had voice activation for everything, and was so easy to drive that even a pre-teen girl or dog could operate it if needed. I always wondered what the options list on this car looked like; either way, Gadget went with the full package. Bonus: Inspector Gadget theme song dubstep.
Batmobile, Batman: The Animated Series (1992- ’95)
Which would win? The Gadgetmobile or Batmobile? Too close to call, but the Gadgetmobile would definitely be easier to park; have you seen the front end on Batman’s land yacht?
The Mach 5, Speed Racer (1966- ’68, original series run)
The Mach 5 is designed for speed, but it hides some great features underneath its sleek exterior. I’m still waiting for that A through G button design, too. Some say that without Speed’s extraordinary talent, the Mach 5 wouldn’t stand a monkey’s chance against Racer X’s Shooting Star, but those people are idiots.
The Car from Go Dog Go, Go Dog Go- who would’ve thought (book by P.D. Eastman, 1961)
It’s not a cartoon show but damn, those dogs’ racecars were awesome. Despite its heavy prose and hard-to-follow context, Go Dog Go seems to have found a way to survive the decades by giving six year olds the world over an adolescent yearning to drive fast. Also, tell me you didn’t want to attend the sweet tree party at the end.
Mystery Machine, Scooby Doo (1969- present)
It’s not so much what was on the outside of the Scooby Crew’s trusty van, but the type of things that probably went on inside that spacious cabin. There have been plenty of rumors about the type of things the Mystery Machine witnessed, but we’ll never really know the truth. One thing is for certain, however: the upholstery could probably use a thorough cleaning. A real life version was sold in San Carlos earlier this year for $3,200. Here’s hoping it was aired out first.
Optimus Prime*, Transformers (1984- forever)
*Yeah, I thought that song was from Boogie Nights as well.
What can you say about the superhero from space who can help protect Earth from the Decepticons one day, and then haul produce across the county the next? How about this: Optimus Prime even has his own Letterman Top 10 list. Recognition must also go to voice actor Peter Cullen for that silky smooth baritone.
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