Car Joke #1. A (Insert the proper gender: man/woman) requests a new car, with the specification that “it should be fast. Like, really fast. I want to be able to go from 0 to 150 in 2 seconds flat!”
The (again, select your choice: husband/wife) then leaves the room. Confused, the (man/woman) stands in silence for a moment, until the (husband/wife) comes back into the room and throws a bathroom scale onto the floor.
“There! You want 0 to 150 in 2 seconds? Stand on this, and you’re good.”
Car Joke #2. Question: What’s the smallest part of a Ferrari? Answer: The owner’s brain. (Brand can be substituted to individual preference)
Car Joke #3. Two racecar drivers, Shake and Bake, are talking about death right before a race, when the flag waves and they’re off. Unfortunately, the unthinkable happens; Shake gets clipped from behind, hits the wall, and dies instantly.
Not all is bad though; that night as Bake struggles to sleep, he sees Shake’s ghost appear before him. “Don’t be afraid,” says Shake. “Heaven is beautiful, there are races every afternoon and the cars never break down, crash, or run out of gas!”
“Startled but full of joy, Bake blurts out “Wow! That’s incredible, Heaven sounds perfect, Shake!”
“Well.” Shake says, “I guess this is good news then. You’ve won the pole position for tomorrow’s race.”
Car Joke #4. Two old and bitter rivals, Jeremy and Richard, happen to get into a car wreck on a deserted road far from town. They get out, check the damage, then confront each other. Jeremy speaks up, “You know, old foe, this wreck has made me realize: we’re lucky. This fighting is so trivial compared to the beauty that is life. Let’s end it. Here, have a drink with me. Take a mighty swig.” He pulls out a flask and hands it to Richard.
“Filled with emotion, Richard gladly accepts. He takes a good, healthy pull of the booze and hands it back to Jeremy. But Jeremy caps the bottle and throws it in the ditch.
“What are you doing?” Richard asks. “You’re not going to have a drink?”
“Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to go through their breathalyzer tests first.”
Car Jokes not to say when being pulled over:
Car Joke #5. “Yes, officer, I’ll grab my registration. Can you hang on to my beer though?” (PSA: Don’t drink and drive; it’s really not that hard)
Car Joke #6. “Hey, I’m glad you’re here. Can you tell me how fast I was going? My speedometer stops at 130.”
Car Joke #7. “Yeah, I’ve been drinking. But it was only a 6 pack…of 40’s.” (Special thanks to Zach Galifianakis. Boy, what a name, if they wanna do a proper drunk test, they should make you spell that out, am I right??)
Car Joke #8. Hey have you heard this joke? “Chevy.” Hahaha, good one, huh?
Car Joke #9. A cop sees an elderly woman driving incredibly slowly, so he pulls beside and notices her knitting in the driver’s seat. He honks to get her attention, then signals for her to roll the window down. After a time she finds the button and down goes the window. Incensed, the cop yells “Pull over!”
“Oh, no sweetie.” she replies. “It’s a scarf, see?” (Not stolen from Dumb & Dumber)
Car Joke #10. Question: What’s the difference between a Porsche driver and a cactus? Answer: On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside. (Sorry, Tom)
Car Joke #11. Hey, did you know that there were cars in the Bible? Yeah, the apostles were all in one accord.
At this point, I’m starting to feel like the Lame Pun Guy. And I like it.
#12. A small town wished to keep unruly city folk from racing through their town, so they erected a sign that said ‘Caution: Speed Camera Present.’ It had no effect, so the next week they plastered a new sign up. This time it said, ‘Caution: Children at Play.” Still cars sped past with no care. Fed up, the town Sherriff took matters into his own hands. He made a sign at home, and nailed it up. It said ‘Nudist Colony to Your Left.’ Traffic was backed up for days.
Alright, we’re going out with a bang.
#13. Did you hear about the new car that was made entirely out of trees? Yeah, it was rejected because it wooden move.
#14. What kind of car does the best shepherd drive? A Lamb-orghini.
And last but certainly least…
#15. Hey, this girl bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti, but I did! Yeah, you should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta. She looked cannelloni, actually. Unfortunately I crashed it and now it’s al dente. If only I had a penne for every time this joke didn’t work…
[photo by amanky]